I am not Super Mom.

Guess what. I am not supermom.

This post has been running around in my head for about 4 months now. I started full time teaching in September, and after the initial excitement of the start of the school year, I began to realize that I can't do it all.

Right around November, concert craziness set in, and most of my attention was directed toward getting ready for two school concerts. My new school was the most stressful, mostly due to the fact that I was new there and had to learn the system while trying to "prove" myself. I spent a lot of extra time at work in November and December and definitely neglected my family at home. Even when I was at home, my mind was at school. But it was temporary, right?

January was also busy with having to grade about 500 students and have my summative evaluation after 3 years in the district.

Now that I've settled into February and stress isn't running my life, I think I've settled into a slight depression and realization that I cannot do it all. Danny and I had a talk about priorities in our family and I shared with him what I have been fearing for many months now. I'm having a tough time with working full-time.

I know, I know. My kids are in school now. I should be happy to have a full time job. They're in school all day anyway.

But I'm not. I feel like I give the best of myself to my students each day. Teaching elementary music is a wonderful career; so fun, so many hugs, but mentally and physically taxing. I'm dealing with little feelings all day long. I think teachers understand this.

When I come home, I'm done. It is a lot easier to veg out in front of the computer instead of engaging with my kids. Things that are really important to me, like playing with my boys, planning great meals, cooking, spending quality time with my husband, praying..... All of these things take a back burner to my "alone" time.

See, I'm the kind of person who needs alone time. I am an introvert, and engaging with people all day (big or small) takes a lot out of me. So my family time at night is the time when I punch out. Not good. This is hurting my soul.

I feel like a failure. Shouldn't I be able to work all day at a job I love, cook a great meal, and hang out with my family? After all, I've got a great husband, who has definitely picked up my slack around here. I want to be able to do it... But once again, I feel like I'm failing in every area.

Where to go from here? Not sure. There's been tears, "trying" harder... I need to pray, that's for sure. And I'll take all the prayers I can get.

I had a principal once, who told me that her priorities went like this: God, family, career.

Here's some latest pics of my family. I know that I am blessed.

Max and Tanner are the two holding hands. Love it!

Love, me.

***UPDATE Spring Break came and went, and it seemed that I just needed a break. Came back from break with a much better outlook and energy and finished the school year strong. Keep me in your prayers for next year!

sunflowers and God

I have been waiting for weeks to be able to share our sunflowers with you. They are really tall and beautiful. The bees have been enjoying them as well. I was thinking about how amazing these are, and how they come from  such a small seed. Within a few months they are 10 to 12 feet tall!

That got me thinking about intelligent design. How else could these have been made? A big bang? Seriously!? Scientists want me to believe that a big bang created these amazing flowers that grow from a tiny seed into these HUGE majestic flowers, and then it all happens again when the seeds fall. From a huge explosion in the universe. Just happening to make these and everything else that grows. Nope, can't believe it.

God is amazing! He created these. He created all things that grow. He created humans and animals, all the systems in our bodies working together. Some people may think Christians are dumb to believe in God, but how can you NOT? These beautiful and wonderful things could only have been deliberately and intelligently designed by the God of the universe.

Anyway, Tanner planted these. Here is his proud self.

And I'm pretty sure that God has a sense of humor, because all of these sunflowers are pointed directly away from our house. Only the neighbors can actually see them in bloom over the fence. Or perhaps we should have researched and found out that sunflowers only face east, where the sun rises. Our gift to you, neighbors. Enjoy.

As you can see our garden has really grown!

Here is Max with the pumpkins he planted with Sharon. He picked them out. They are literally called "Big Max" pumpkins. He is the gardener of our family. He loves planting, watching things grow, and harvesting.

Lastly, I leave you with the cutest little watermelons. They are about the size of Tanner's fist. LOVE it!!!

Love, me

God has opened my eyes!

It is going to be hard to write this without sounding like a complete jerk. (Hopefully, former jerk).

But, the most awesome thing has a occurred this week with me. I think I have begun to see people a little bit more the way God sees them.

Let me explain. Here's where the jerk part comes. As much as I didn't want to, I have always judged people on appearance. Not proud of it. It just happened. Oh, that person has a huge nose. That person is chubby. That person has a way out of date look. Whatever.

Not that I think I am "all that" myself. I just judged. Then I felt bad, and tried to move past it.

I know, I know.

Now for a few years, I HAVE been seeing children as beautiful. No matter what. I especially love the quirky things about them, especially when they get adult teeth that are so big for their faces. That is so cute.

But I noticed at this class I have been taking that I wasn't judging. I was just appreciating all the different looks people are created with. And they were all beautiful. I realized this as I just found this woman to be stunning. And I was trying to explain her to Danny. I said, "Well, she's kind of a bigger lady, and she has short dark hair and dark funky glasses. " And I realized that in the world's eyes, the way I was describing her was not stunningly beautiful.

But, she is! Her hair was an awesome dark shiny color, her skin was just a beautiful color, and her eyes were dark and sparkly. I don't know, just her whole self was beauty.

And another lady you could tell didn't have much money, her glasses and clothes were out of style. But her character, spunk, and enthusiasm shone through. And she was just so darn cute to me.

It is so hard to describe, but I sit with tears in my eyes right now thinking about it. It is just such a great experience to look around at all the people in my life and see such beauty.

Thank you God for opening my eyes!

me

my grad class

Hey everyone!

Have you been wondering where I have been the last two weeks?

I have been in a grad class. I am learning music technology, world music/drumming, and assessment. Here is what I have been seeing all week:
This is the midi music lab we use. Adam is teaching it. I am currently creating a Hot Cross Buns arrangement titled: Hot Buns Around the World. I will not reveal that title to my 4th graders. It makes me giggle.

This is Cheryl. She teaches the hand drumming and world music. Yes, she has purple hair,

and yes, she is awesome!

This is a typical lunch at the institute.

This is my assessment teacher, Mark, when he sits behind me during our working lunch.

This is how I feel right now. I have one day left!

Woo hoo!

technology is dumb!

OK, I really mean technology is expensive! And it makes me mad. I guess I can't think it is dumb at the same time I'm writing a BLOG!

I finally got a full time job again, starting in September (that's a whole 'nother blog post). Danny has wanted an iphone ever since they came out. A lot! And we could never afford it, but now, I guess we can. So.... we'll be getting iphones in the near future. We're calling it our 12 year anniversary present. But, just between you and me, it is more a present for Danny. I know, I know, I'll love it too. Facetime, apps, blah blah blah. But, those suckers are gonna be like $400. And then like, $200 a month for service.

And don't even get me started on our internet! Seriously, almost $50 a month for internet. And it is fast, but not THAT fast.

Also, apparently we need to have a back-up for our computers, in case they all die. Which, I'm told could be as much as $500. Seriously?!?!!!

So, there goes like $1000 all at once.

It just kind of burns my butt, you know. I don't like seeing all that money go away. No wonder people can't afford things right now. Sheesh.

I was really crabby about all of this yesterday.

And I am thankful for the opportunity to make more money and be secure. However, I know that we can't spend like this every month, or we'll be having problems.

*sigh*

Rant done.

Have a great day!

Love, me.

recipe - graham sandwich cookies

My favorite treat that my mom used to make was graham crackers with cream cheese frosting. She always made them with her left over birthday cake frosting. My sister and I would eat them before the birthday dinner, and I'm pretty sure that I liked them even better than the cake.

Now that I'm trying to stay away from any thing partially or fully hydrogenated or high fructosed, store-bought graham crackers always make me cringe a little. However, I have yet to find a cracker recipe that my kids will not gag over.

Success!!!!!! (I actually spelled that wrong and had to use the cheer I learned in 5th grade to figure it out- s-u-c-c-e-s-s, that's they way we spell success!)

The original recipe is here http://heavenlyhomemakers.com/healthy-treat-for-today-homemade-whole-wheat-graham-crackers by Laura at Heavenly Homemakers.

I've done some modifications, though, to please (i.e. trick) my kids into liking them (and they did)! (I like parenthesis-es). ???

Homemade Graham Cracker Shapes

1 cup whole wheat flour

1 1/4 cups white flour

1/2 cup packed brown sugar

1 t. baking powder

1/2 t. baking soda

1/2 t. salt

1/4 t. cinnamon

4 T. honey

1/4 cup water (I added a splash more for my dough to work)

1 t. vanilla

1 stick butter, melted

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2. Melt stick of butter in a pan on the stove. Set aside.

3. Stir together flours, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, salt and cinnamon in a mixing bowl.

4. Add the liquids: honey, water, vanilla, and melted butter.

5. Stir well until a ball of dough is formed. (Here is where I added a splash more water to make it form a ball.

6. Cut two pieces of parchment paper about the size of a cookie sheet.

7. Put half of dough in between the parchment paper and roll it out with a rolling pin. Roll it out so that the dough is between 1/8 and 1/4 inch thick.

8. Use a cookie cutter to cut out shapes. Put the shapes on top of a cookie sheet (which I also topped with parchment paper before I put the cookies on). Parchment paper is my new friend. My cracker cookies seemed to bake best on the airbake pan.

9. Bake for 13 - 18 minutes. Mine were done at 15. Remove to rack to cool.

10. Repeat with second half of dough.

Basic Cream Cheese Frosting (This is the original recipe, you will have lots left over. I halved it).

1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened

1/2 cup butter, softened

1 T. vanilla

4 cups powdered sugar

1. Mix the cream cheese and butter until light and fluffy.

2. Add vanilla and powdered sugar. Beat until smooth.

NOW..... dut, dah dah DAH!!!!

Take two cracker/cookie things and put some frosting in the middle.

YUMMY!

I was very pleasantly surprised at how much these are actually like graham crackers. AND if you want chocolate grahams, just add 1/4 cup cocoa powder to your dry ingredients. However, be careful not to burn them like I did the first time. Then you will have this....
You might have a dirty sink like me, too. But the ones that did turn out were pretty good.

And the best news.... My boys loved them. I called them crispy sandwich cookies instead of crackers. And we all liked the original better than the chocolate ones. I hope you try them. I think you will like them.

Also, if you wanted to have a homemade graham cracker crust, I'll bet you could use this recipe for that. But I've never tried it. So, good luck with that.

Love, me

paying it forward- simple summer pleasures part 2

Strawberry Picking!


Our family went strawberry picking this week. As you can see, M is very proud of his first strawberry of the season.


T is less than enthused. Actually, he is the one who really wanted to go. But he has also hit the age where you must not show your enthusiasm, lest you be deemed "uncool."


Here is Danny channeling M's enthusiasm.


And here we are with our bounty. T = too cool, M = goomba mushroom from Mario


With our meager cash budget, I was left with exactly $15 to spend on strawberries. But alas, 4 strawberry pickers is a lot, and the total was $17. Some kind stranger offered to give us the extra $2, and his only request was that we "pay it forward." How awesome is that!? I say way awesome.


So, this is what I did the rest of the day. Made freezer jam with those strawberries. And in a small effort to pay it forward, let me know if you want some jam. It is very sweet.

Love, me