This post has been running around in my head for about 4 months now. I started full time teaching in September, and after the initial excitement of the start of the school year, I began to realize that I can't do it all.
Right around November, concert craziness set in, and most of my attention was directed toward getting ready for two school concerts. My new school was the most stressful, mostly due to the fact that I was new there and had to learn the system while trying to "prove" myself. I spent a lot of extra time at work in November and December and definitely neglected my family at home. Even when I was at home, my mind was at school. But it was temporary, right?
January was also busy with having to grade about 500 students and have my summative evaluation after 3 years in the district.
Now that I've settled into February and stress isn't running my life, I think I've settled into a slight depression and realization that I cannot do it all. Danny and I had a talk about priorities in our family and I shared with him what I have been fearing for many months now. I'm having a tough time with working full-time.
I know, I know. My kids are in school now. I should be happy to have a full time job. They're in school all day anyway.
But I'm not. I feel like I give the best of myself to my students each day. Teaching elementary music is a wonderful career; so fun, so many hugs, but mentally and physically taxing. I'm dealing with little feelings all day long. I think teachers understand this.
When I come home, I'm done. It is a lot easier to veg out in front of the computer instead of engaging with my kids. Things that are really important to me, like playing with my boys, planning great meals, cooking, spending quality time with my husband, praying..... All of these things take a back burner to my "alone" time.
See, I'm the kind of person who needs alone time. I am an introvert, and engaging with people all day (big or small) takes a lot out of me. So my family time at night is the time when I punch out. Not good. This is hurting my soul.
I feel like a failure. Shouldn't I be able to work all day at a job I love, cook a great meal, and hang out with my family? After all, I've got a great husband, who has definitely picked up my slack around here. I want to be able to do it... But once again, I feel like I'm failing in every area.
Where to go from here? Not sure. There's been tears, "trying" harder... I need to pray, that's for sure. And I'll take all the prayers I can get.
I had a principal once, who told me that her priorities went like this: God, family, career.
Here's some latest pics of my family. I know that I am blessed.
Max and Tanner are the two holding hands. Love it!
Love, me.
***UPDATE Spring Break came and went, and it seemed that I just needed a break. Came back from break with a much better outlook and energy and finished the school year strong. Keep me in your prayers for next year!
3 comments:
I love your honesty.
And yes(or no), you are not Super Mom. And I'm sure not... and never was... but felt pressure to be, for sure.
I'm praying for you... that you'll get the wisdom you need on that 'not working full time' part.
And know, your boys know you love them ... and they know you have that job...
(My mom was a teacher... and I so remember her being tired and irritable after each long day... but you know what? I became a teacher, too. (Well, I quit when I got married and my in-laws offered to pay for my seminary education (!)...
Anyway, your boys are so fortunate to have you, Carisa, as their mom.... and just the fact that you wrestle with all this is fact that you LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
I'm praying for you....
(Thanks for the opportunity.)
Thanks for the kind thoughts and prayers Nancy.
Carissa, I've ALWAYS felt the same way as a full-time teacher and mama to little ones. I don't think there is an easy answer to this other than you switching back to part-time--I know, barriers in the educational landscape makes this less of a choice and more of God's divine help. Perhaps letting some things go in your "perfect" will take away from your mommy guilt (yes, easier said that done!) Not sure what a "good meal" constitutes for you. But if you can keep it healthy and simple, I say, "go for it!" We have spaghetti every week. I boil broccoli and then cut it up small and throw it into the sauce. And that's an easy, healthy meal that everyone loves. Hoping that this school year is turning out easier to balance your life than last year. I am still praying for you.
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